Grandma always said that a bad ending can ruin the whole book.
I updated my list again. Crossed one idea out and added a few more. It was a list of ways to die.
I wanted to die. It was not because my life was bad. I was always happy, I have an amazing wife, two nice kids. I loved them very much. But I wanted to die. Death fascinated me. When my father died, I was sad. I realized I’ll never see him again. What’s left of him will rot, hidden under a thick layer of dirt. When my mother died I felt nothing. She died. All people do. What’s the use of being sad? I didn’t show up at the funeral.
How would I die? I wouldn’t want to die just like that. Of age. Heart failure. Just one day not wake up and people didn’t even notice I died, just that I had been dead for a while now. No I wanted people to notice it when I’m dying. I want them to remember how I ended.
I didn’t want to wait for it. I did all that I needed to do. My kids are old enough to live without their father. My dear wife will find someone else. I’ll be gone before she notices I’m no one special.
Truth is, I only started thinking about how I would die after finding this website. A red room, they call it. There are even livestreams in which people can vote how the person in the video dies. It was a bizarre site, but intriguing.
The first video I had seen was entitled “losing my senses”. My body had been shaking for the whole duration of it. But I couldn’t stop. The way it was made, I think it was supposed to be a gore fetish video. I always wondered how a human being could develop something like that. It starred two girls, mid-twenties. One looked unkempt, messy hair, dirty clothes. It was the one that would die. Her assistant was gorgeous. No, that’s not the correct way to describe her. She looked beautiful, but in her case it looked absolutely horrible. Misplaced, I supposed. My reaction didn’t fit what I was actually seeing at all. She freaked me out more than the girl who would get mutilated. You can guess by the title she would cut off all her sensory organs and bleed to death. It was given a pornographic note by letting the other girl do it. Break her fingers and bite them off. Just like her tongue. She would crush the eyes by gently pressing her fingers into them. They both seemed to enjoy it. I had felt so bad after watching this. As if it entered inside me and tainted me forever. And that’s what it did. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
A notification for another livestream popped up. I hadn’t watched one before, only archived footage. I was rather curious about the comments and reactions by the other watchers.
It was a young man this time. He looked good, happy actually. Like someone who won’t have to worry about a thing anymore. The comments were mostly comments about how sexy he was. But one red colored text that was constantly swept away in the spam noticed something else.
“Look in the window.”
I looked out the window behind him. There was just the top of a tree and a dark blue sky. But they didn’t mean what was outside the window. It was inside, the reflection. It was that girl again. I recognized her brown hair, the terrifying eyes. She was filming him.
As I focused on the reflection, I saw her lips move: “Do you see me, James?”
I recoil from the screen and look around, as if the voice came from behind me. No one there. I look back at the reflection. The girl smiled and waved her hand at me.
No. I probably just saw that wrong. And James isn’t that uncommon of a name. I closed the site and looked at more comforting picture until I convinced myself of that.
I decided to go to sleep and get this night over with.
It hadn’t been the best idea.
I woke up to see the girl’s face.
“Hello, James.” She laid her hand over my mouth to silence the scream.
“Shhh, I hear you need help at dying?” Not by her hand. She wasn’t right!
“Did I scare you in the livestream yesterday? You want to know how I did that? I’m sure you wouldn’t tell anyone.”
Her hand still blocked out any coherent sound.
“Sorry to destroy the magic but we simply hacked your computer. We found out your name, where you live. And we prepared a little scare for you for when you would watch our show.”
My thoughts raced. Was my family okay? What will she do? Who even was she?
“I’m sorry, not even a dead man can know my secrets… Oh, your family? They’re fine. I made sure they’ll just oversleep a little. They would wake up early enough to see you perish, but too late to save you. I read through your notes a little. You might also feel a little weak.”
She removed her hand and set up a camera. I wasn’t restrained but I could barely move my limbs.
“Why are you doing this?” I could ask faintly.
“I care too much about my fellow humans.”
“Why?” I asked again to make her elaborate.
“It’s personal reasons, okay? I just want to help people commit suicide the right way. And not endanger those who want to live…”
She stopped fumbling around on the camera for a moment. I couldn’t see her face.
“…also I make a lot of money off the website!”
Then she turned around again and took out some tools out of the pockets of her hoodie. A wooden stake and a hammer.
“I found a lot of vampire stuff around here. You only crossed this method out because you would need help. I hope you like it this way, I’ve got no backup plan. Anything important you need to tell me?”
“I’m sorry…” I didn’t even know what for. For leaving my family behind alone? Having them find my corpse like this? Sorry for wasting my life like this. It all seemed like such a stupid idea now. She placed the stake over my heart.
I’m sorry.
I heard ribs snap. It felt as if something heavy and cold fell on my chest. I had trouble breathing. I heard things as if I was underwater, as I slowly drifted away.
“If you see… tell… that I love…”